[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
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my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.