If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
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Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END