A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
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[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Deer are just ballerina dogs
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
#Thanos #MondayMood
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.