Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
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“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.