Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
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[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
When they try to steal your moment.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.