Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
You Might Also Like
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
😂💯
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]