People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
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The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.