any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
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“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Sharon, call the vet
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
This meal prepping shit easy