I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
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[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”