gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
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mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
i hope my email finds you on fire
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne