*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
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Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.