Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
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Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?