Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
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For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
I pray every night that I never become religious…
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*