*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
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Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
the answer was staring at me all along
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.