Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
You Might Also Like
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
I put the hot in psychotic.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”