inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
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I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
tourist season
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.