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Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.