As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
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“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.