Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
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What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
why am I working on Labor Day
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days