He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
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Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.