*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
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When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.