My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
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Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.
There’s no in-between.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.