People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
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Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Who did it better?
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE