my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
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I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife