Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
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I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
meow
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
What the hell is going on?