To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
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date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.