Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
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If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.