maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
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[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Perfect
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
“We will wed,” I threatened
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
So sick of all these stupid rules