*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
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[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..