When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
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[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.