I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
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Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.