mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
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Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
yes… yes…
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
I’m having an out of money experience.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays