business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
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*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
where do you see yourself in five years?
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.