I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
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when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
sigh
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.