Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
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I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Wait a minute…
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist