The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
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Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?