My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
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We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.