[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
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Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.