Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
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It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin