Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
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Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Bootstraps
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer