[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
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I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Who knew!
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open