Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
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If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me