What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
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[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.