Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
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Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*