[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
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Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Botany good plants lately?
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
For when Tinder doesn’t work
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*