The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
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My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
What about a To-Don’t List?
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.