shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
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my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Monday
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Choose your fighter
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.