mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
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Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.