Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
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It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
I have never heard an armadillo before.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?