Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
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You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?